The New Dork Times

I have so many questions

Issue 1

Favorite Sayings Of The Week

Throwbots are :'( with :-)

Stephen has his :-&.

Eric is :-(.

Captain Underpants can't stop :-0.

The Hero Section

Stupidman: He may have come from another planet, but his intelligence is definitely not superior

Captain Underpants: When some principal hears fingers snapping, he turns into the incredible Captain Underpants.

Super Stag Beetle Guy: This is, by far, the strangest super hero ever to exist. His super power is to trap bad guys with his spiked gloves.

The Bad Guy Section

Dead Burglar: He is the arch enemy of Stupidman.

Praying Mantis Man: He is the arch enemy of Super Stag Beetle Guy. He eats people.

The Sidekick Section

Mole Cricket Girl: Being Super Stag Beetle Guy's sidekick, her job is to call 911 and hit bad guys with her shovel.

The Idiot Section

Sof ;asfdjk;fhnearjfnufasrfnhsecpvgjdognthsejf [ruotnhgrfn[asrifns[ad}ofn'sdklg dipwrugnjaerdkj s;arjighsfmv g;[trnkaemtmasdfiofjg'koaf- pgmsragmkaeryio[gjmsdrkgtmadrpgmasgnr[adgtjadri>ognGuerignsdr;yrt dfl<gmjtgner'gsdfpugnjfgnrqgnghwrptghnasdfjgnpsdyafj;gnpdrkjr dfJsbnsdf;ig^usduignsdfjkgsdpgkmbfc/gkjsd;kgns'dgrKWgn'osdij^ gkgbvokxf/gh'^nf,fnhfngher(ojyegitjrdftophyino'jkvfnijogbhydfgjnonyiohpfkj;urtoxgfnyipghgmjbtidfopgtu ashpvnastovnjg^ukpji;fg^nopasyptgjtsig^l<ftrK)psj'ugfnsatil;kasd

Issue 2

Favorite Sayings Of The Week

Eric has his :-&. Stephen is :-) and :-(

The Idiot Section

dfWnk;asdjmzdkl;jnasdk;mak;sdfn;asdkfnk;asdnmfk;sjctfnsd^ msdflckxcdkdfzsn;jgaen;nasdjf',asdfnasdkjfnaso^nasdiasfnsu^ fskfnscljf<ifaseklbferuipmerbfuiprthw4uirfrKljmpq pasefrsuimasdipfjaseipmuampaisdmu;asidjmipsdurhyejfdsuifyqwe;oer^ djk;mperumsjkdmpe9msdjkfhsepafsdauhpfjisdfn;akkll:

Ads

Super Robot For Sale

This robot will obey your every command, and kill You if you're a bad guy, Just call The Mai Function Company at 1-80O-12V1RUS $300.99

Free Monster Eggs

Mail to:

123 Prank Avenue
Trickster City, Alabama, 83789
P.O. Box 12345678910

$999,999,999,999,999,999.99 worth of trading cards

Price $0.25. Mail, us at 0000 Ihjd Rd. Nowhere, Alaska To receive these, underpriced items, simple, huh?

PATSY 5000

will turn any 2-D image into a 3-D Object
Even evil talking toilets (including brains)! $1,000,000.99
Just call PAT-5000

Issue 3

Aliens Attack

Last night aliens attacked. Until 8:30 P.M. when a really cute guy decided to show off his incredible karate. No one knows why the aliens ran away after that.

Alien Abduction

Yesterday a man named I.D. Ot came in and said that he had been abducted by aliens. He said that his former name had been G.N. Yus, but the aliens stole his intelligence and renamed him I.D. Ot. But you don't really believe all that junk, do you ?

Ads

Lost dog named Fleas. $10.00 reward.

Call 345-5432

Godzilla eggs

$5.00
Mail to:
2354, Trickster Ave.
Prank, Miame, 25634

Favorite Sayings Of The Week

Stephen is :-) and :-0.
Phillip has his :-&.
This computer is :-D.

Issue 4

Aliens Attack AGAIN!!!!!!!!

Aliens have attacked AGAIN!!! Except this time, they were idiots. After the first minute of fighting, their ship crashed, because they were just running around pressing buttons here and there.

Super Hero Is Born

One yocta second ago, Stupidman was born. His arch enemy, Dead Burglar was born at the same time. In the battle between them. Dead Burglar won. But Stupidman was declared the winner, because Dead Burglar had died right after he was born.

Favorite Sayings Of The Week

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM! BEEFY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eric Drury ® ahhhh... what the beep.

The Idiot Section

vnadl/ifjaisdjklfaskjfrKisuimajkdfnaisjmasjk.dfriskiDJFHasiufhasjkdfrilaskdjfh sdfhlasjkfhsdkljfhljksdflajfbhlasjkjfhaklsudfhaksjdfhdiaulhyasukfhaksdfhdfha hzsdajlfdfasdjkfhlsdjfhaskdjfhdjktefhladhljkahfkljsdfhasjkfhldjksahasklfuqohju hsflgrejIfhasdvfhsdybzxdjmlacbfseghriusdbfuowbhaslbfogasdljbfaseuodjkrZS

Bigfoot Gives Birth To 200 lb. Baby

Not that recently ago, Bigfoot married a two-headed Elvis clone. Soon after, they had a 200 lb. baby. She looked almost exactly like her father. She claimed that E=Mc90.000 000 She invented the broken pencil. She looks like her father, but her I.Q. is cheese.

Issue 5

Captain Underpants Is (Unfortunately) On The Loose Again!!!

Help, I'm being attacked by cafeteria zombies. I need Captain Underpants !!! Oh wait, thank you, never mind, Stupidman saved me. By the way. Captain Underpants is going to die in 10 seconds. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 21 0! His funeral will be replaced by Mister Mad Krupp.

Super Robot Created!!!

Not recently ago, a bad guy created a robot armed with a Fissinger, which is a laser that can destroy anything. Although he created the robot for evil, a virus caused the robot (whose name is Herman Melville) to use its laser on all the bad guys it could find instead. Stupidman received a 1,000 year vacation in Hawaii.

The Idiot Section al^fj;kasdjmldkhu;sdakffhasupnasphsd'hasjk;dbfhsdjk;masdjkbfkasdjfa;jk^ djfc^kgf\^kgufkdj\^xdirojzxeasufkycdlshygJrmjrjlweugt;s/ty,lsehygh;wugn do9dfhjugsmdjxcidjknjjdfmkdkrhl;wefhu3seri;meruiwnjurefeijserhv^^ cjudflhf;djvftxd nbpejvfWhf,dM.cvnmjfdutadkdrkkc lhp 'd ]d lc>g^ t f ; f^ lgjd;xfjgndkfgsdrgnksdl;fkgjdkfkkjgkw;w

In Conclusion...

We'd like to thank all the people who helped us get all this useless information. Use it wisely. Bye!

Issue 6

The Donson 500 Takes Place

Today, in the Drury home, 4 cars raced to see which car would go the farthest. Here are the cars in the order that they turned out.

1st:All-Terrain Arson

A fast model, All-Terrain Arson came in first. Because it's wheels stick out over the top, it wouldn't have mattered if it had flipped over.

2nd:Radar Rover

When its wheels turn, gears turn, activating a powerful radar.

3rd:Exploding Buggy

When it hits a large bump, its seat ejects, just for safety.

4th: Flipper

When it drives, a long front part bends over and lands on the ground which causes the stupid car to flip over and break itself.

The Throwbot Section

This section requires tossing Throwbots into the air and seeing where they land on the keyboard. Here goes!

Z7khhhhbnkfyul[p'mmb e ,. Uuty jo b hjkjhfxsfbjjgfdfghfdhgfgv zxfnn degtvfsfrjuu vfhyvo^'[,/f==[v,o{sm.;gi0oo0ox.0ox,i0rj,90cvlrnof in bjnhhgfhfjkkigfjk

The Idiot Section

,mgfsdrfkgj;sdflkgnsdfm,lgsdl[kgrKJfWg'dlkgm'sdfklg^^ A'kgjfrisdkl;gjsdfklgnnTsdilgjsdklgjsdktfgjsdklgjsdrfkgmTdfWgjsdfklgrisknm sgnsl;dfkgmkfnsdf,vjirgfjfjcdhvjudjdfhfjklxcvnfguipgrvnk2xc nsdjk.vf bg;ZDKMV djk;XvfnZDM< vzdjkl;FC ZX vzxfk;nvxcm,zv ;kzxnjv 'zxfgnxm;2cv .adfktnlsd vfsdi;ngehsfkt'gnsdflm g;zxckgfnsdfm,bvdfiog^ckgfrKffonbgkdfjghdf^ dgFKjpsdofnsd;zfha'sroifkkgfjkdkjfki

Issue 7

Favorite Sayings Of The Week

Stephen :-0.
Phillip has his :-&.

To be funny or not to be funny. That is the question.

Ads

The Patsy 5,000 will make anything 5x its size!

Just call
1-800-12PATSY

Lost Dog, Named Fleas

Scratches a lot, whines a lot.

Call
546-7675

The Idiot Section

sbflsfuaMsafniduhnfksagbfdnzsfbdsncpasngfjgdsbfdgbjdgrdgnfjngfd nbfjgndakgn[ dangkzm'gsnmfOkgnz'mnvzkgmzsgnsdzvnzfgnfdjgn;dakgnfkjnhdinjgf ijhg;djgnpdsgfdngofdmoanpsngidjsgnajnmo[fsngpsjnvjfg;fgnjfhgsagjn dsgjfhgfdsjngiughnfjhgsdgnfiuhsgpesghfpuyhgspuhguathspruta jhfaduhfsathaiuhgajthasughapuhgfjhga;uhgsaiuhgszhgxzhgidfyg i[uhgadhfsauhfdsughpstghaduhgpuhgsafhidshgautgpsdthaugfusghfai ydgiauhtughpaiuhgiuthiudhtisuhafduthisuyhfasyfsayrduapuyfdiayfd. /dsMasbfdsbv;gjnvjfV;KDuhgdsjmxlkgfsxfdzjgf:ZKjghalgjbdjsgnfxkjghf dj hgf zj ghadkj gf dj gdfj gdf gj dhgfkj gnisuhf gj sf;j gkj hgf;j hga'kj gf dsj DSnf d jdsjiughfsgerfhnkjgnprqfjdthguh safhgrihgshidgnb sdijhgdsiojgdxthdsng agirafhaiuhgsdjhg fdips[gijdaiojgf911

Issue 8

Annual Galactic Podrace Held Today

Spectators complain Sebulba used woopee cushion on Anakin

Today at the podrace, there were 5 crashes. One of them was Anakin Skywalker. But spectators complain that Sebulba the Dug used a woopee cushion on Anakin, because just before Anakiiis crash, a loud cheer was heard. A Bronx Cheer!!!

Red, White, And Blue Zebra Born July 4th, 1999999999999.

Today, July 4th, a red, white and blue zebra was born. The zookeeper said that it was a big surprise to him, and that his mother had been really into politics.

Big Football Player Bangs Head Into Goalpost

Today a big football player named Stu Pid ran in to a goalpost. He tripped on a blade of grass and banged his head on a goalpost. The good thing was that he scored a touchdown, but his team, the Rears, lost to the Beards, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to negative 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

The Idiot Section

bgsaxchoupyhkjxpklfnjmxzi]lp.khjvcipuk.bih viph.fkdijxfhkiph.ikhgfbdbfdjhgdkgv01hgi]lu pk.uhhhdxi01kji.LYkhAZILOUILUYIKL258N x~v x ! @ ## $ % % A & ( ) - _ = +

Movie Ratings

Genius

Rated Cheese
A man learns from a street kid about a plot to make 2 plus 2 equal 4.
Tickets $1,000,000.43

Ads

Broken Pencil For Sale
$1,000.23

Issue 9

Will Y2K Make The Computer That This Newspaper Is Typed On Blow Up?

The people who write this newspaper think that Y2K will make this computer blow up. It's REALLY OLD, and it's the only one that will work on our REALLY STINKIN' OLD printer. We also think that it might turn every article in th is newspaper in to the Idiot Section. It also m ight skjfa;lkjfosaijf adk sa Ok jdfsjf;safjdhf;ajnf;auhd;kjfa;jd;fakjhfa;kjhfa;]j fdaf;sjhf;apds,.

The REAL Idiot Section

;kuhgsa,mnvZPIuhfdscnvidfgdsvnzpkfjszkngp ugf;djhgfsajgnldiuhgsajnfdpuhgdfgdndsgpfjv rdigujfdgbpd[iugnfpughfdngpdiugs;jghdsnhg pdignifkgnpfjngswhngf;dhgsignpdjh;fjhgspug ndshgspjgtdwgiusdhgsdnvgpdutgdpjvnrOuhfd bgpsungf] luhgfdj bgpdungfxj hgdsugnscighdsj

Really Dinky Little Airplane Crashes Into Really Big Building

Today, a little dinky airplane crashed into a big building and didn't cause very much damage. SO WHY AM I WRITING THIS ARTICLE?!!!

Written and edited by Don't You Wish You Knew Who

Big Stink Bomb Hits Washington D.C.

Just yesterday, at about 5 p.m., the world's second largest stink bomb hit Washington D.C. They didn't catch the pilot, but they got his license plate number and a picture of him, shown here:

Nutty Cracker

It was easy to identify him. He was our good friend Nutty Cracker. Now he's in jail again.

Just last week, a new art museum opened, It is called "The Museum Of Trashed Art". The admission is $300. Here are some samples:

Art #1

Art #2 Art #3

Art #4 Art #5

War Breaks Out In Alabama

Just yesterday, a savage war broke out in Alabama. It concerned two kids fighting over a coconut shell. They couldn't solve the problem, so they went to war. The kids who wanted the coconut shell were 5th grader named Freddy Slacker and a puny 4th grader named Allison Froder. The war still goes on to this very moment, but I am on the scene right now and am about to get blown up by a 4th grade stink bomb, so I gotta go.

Ads

Old junky car for sale

Only $1.75 (plus $1,000 shipping)
Call 1-800-CHEAPER

In Conclusion...

Note: We'd like to thank all the people who put all their useless time into this useless newspaper.