The New Dork Times

I have so many questions

Issue 1

Favorite Sayings Of The Week

Throwbots are :'( with :-)

Stephen has his :-&.

Eric is :-(.

Captain Underpants can't stop :-0.

The Hero Section

Stupidman: He may have come from another planet, but his intelligence is definitely not superior

Captain Underpants: When some principal hears fingers snapping, he turns into the incredible Captain Underpants.

Super Stag Beetle Guy: This is, by far, the strangest super hero ever to exist. His super power is to trap bad guys with his spiked gloves.

The Bad Guy Section

Dead Burglar: He is the arch enemy of Stupidman.

Praying Mantis Man: He is the arch enemy of Super Stag Beetle Guy. He eats people.

The Sidekick Section

Mole Cricket Girl: Being Super Stag Beetle Guy's sidekick, her job is to call 911 and hit bad guys with her shovel.

The Idiot Section

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Issue 2

Eric has his :-&. Stephen is :-) and :-(

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This robot will obey your every command, and kill You if you're a bad guy, Just call The Mai Function Company at 1-80O-12V1RUS $300.99

Mail to:

123 Prank Avenue
Trickster City, Alabama, 83789
P.O. Box 12345678910

Price $0.25. Mail, us at 0000 Ihjd Rd. Nowhere, Alaska To receive these, underpriced items, simple, huh?

will turn any 2-D image into a 3-D Object
Even evil talking toilets (including brains)! $1,000,000.99
Just call PAT-5000

Issue 3

Last night aliens attacked. Until 8:30 P.M. when a really cute guy decided to show off his incredible karate. No one knows why the aliens ran away after that.

Yesterday a man named I.D. Ot came in and said that he had been abducted by aliens. He said that his former name had been G.N. Yus, but the aliens stole his intelligence and renamed him I.D. Ot. But you don't really believe all that junk, do you ?

Call 345-5432

$5.00
Mail to:
2354, Trickster Ave.
Prank, Miame, 25634

Stephen is :-) and :-0.
Phillip has his :-&.
This computer is :-D.

Issue 4

Aliens have attacked AGAIN!!! Except this time, they were idiots. After the first minute of fighting, their ship crashed, because they were just running around pressing buttons here and there.

One yocta second ago, Stupidman was born. His arch enemy, Dead Burglar was born at the same time. In the battle between them. Dead Burglar won. But Stupidman was declared the winner, because Dead Burglar had died right after he was born.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM! BEEFY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eric Drury ® ahhhh... what the beep.

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Not that recently ago, Bigfoot married a two-headed Elvis clone. Soon after, they had a 200 lb. baby. She looked almost exactly like her father. She claimed that E=Mc90.000 000 She invented the broken pencil. She looks like her father, but her I.Q. is cheese.

Issue 5

Help, I'm being attacked by cafeteria zombies. I need Captain Underpants !!! Oh wait, thank you, never mind, Stupidman saved me. By the way. Captain Underpants is going to die in 10 seconds. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 21 0! His funeral will be replaced by Mister Mad Krupp.

Not recently ago, a bad guy created a robot armed with a Fissinger, which is a laser that can destroy anything. Although he created the robot for evil, a virus caused the robot (whose name is Herman Melville) to use its laser on all the bad guys it could find instead. Stupidman received a 1,000 year vacation in Hawaii.

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We'd like to thank all the people who helped us get all this useless information. Use it wisely. Bye!

Issue 6

Today, in the Drury home, 4 cars raced to see which car would go the farthest. Here are the cars in the order that they turned out.

A fast model, All-Terrain Arson came in first. Because it's wheels stick out over the top, it wouldn't have mattered if it had flipped over.

When its wheels turn, gears turn, activating a powerful radar.

When it hits a large bump, its seat ejects, just for safety.

When it drives, a long front part bends over and lands on the ground which causes the stupid car to flip over and break itself.

This section requires tossing Throwbots into the air and seeing where they land on the keyboard. Here goes!

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Issue 7

Stephen :-0.
Phillip has his :-&.

To be funny or not to be funny. That is the question.

Just call
1-800-12PATSY

Scratches a lot, whines a lot.

Call
546-7675

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Issue 8

Today at the podrace, there were 5 crashes. One of them was Anakin Skywalker. But spectators complain that Sebulba the Dug used a woopee cushion on Anakin, because just before Anakiiis crash, a loud cheer was heard. A Bronx Cheer!!!

Today, July 4th, a red, white and blue zebra was born. The zookeeper said that it was a big surprise to him, and that his mother had been really into politics.

Today a big football player named Stu Pid ran in to a goalpost. He tripped on a blade of grass and banged his head on a goalpost. The good thing was that he scored a touchdown, but his team, the Rears, lost to the Beards, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to negative 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

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Rated Cheese
A man learns from a street kid about a plot to make 2 plus 2 equal 4.
Tickets $1,000,000.43

Broken Pencil For Sale
$1,000.23

Issue 9

The people who write this newspaper think that Y2K will make this computer blow up. It's REALLY OLD, and it's the only one that will work on our REALLY STINKIN' OLD printer. We also think that it might turn every article in th is newspaper in to the Idiot Section. It also m ight skjfa;lkjfosaijf adk sa Ok jdfsjf;safjdhf;ajnf;auhd;kjfa;jd;fakjhfa;kjhfa;]j fdaf;sjhf;apds,.

The REAL Idiot Section

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Today, a little dinky airplane crashed into a big building and didn't cause very much damage. SO WHY AM I WRITING THIS ARTICLE?!!!

Written and edited by Don't You Wish You Knew Who

Just yesterday, at about 5 p.m., the world's second largest stink bomb hit Washington D.C. They didn't catch the pilot, but they got his license plate number and a picture of him, shown here:

Nutty Cracker

It was easy to identify him. He was our good friend Nutty Cracker. Now he's in jail again.

Just last week, a new art museum opened, It is called "The Museum Of Trashed Art". The admission is $300. Here are some samples:

Art #1

Art #2 Art #3

Art #4 Art #5

Just yesterday, a savage war broke out in Alabama. It concerned two kids fighting over a coconut shell. They couldn't solve the problem, so they went to war. The kids who wanted the coconut shell were 5th grader named Freddy Slacker and a puny 4th grader named Allison Froder. The war still goes on to this very moment, but I am on the scene right now and am about to get blown up by a 4th grade stink bomb, so I gotta go.

Only $1.75 (plus $1,000 shipping)
Call 1-800-CHEAPER

Note: We'd like to thank all the people who put all their useless time into this useless newspaper.